A few months ago, I was working with someone, and I started to get frustrated. I could feel it in my bones, and they could see it in my face. At that moment they said, “Hey don’t get emotional. We have to remain professional.” I looked back at them and said “I am sorry I don’t know what that means. If I get emotional because I am frustrated, I am doing something wrong?” They replied, “Yes. You can’t express your emotions in a workplace setting.” I inquired as to why. They explained that when emotions play a role, an interaction always goes wrong. We went on to have a productive conversation about this and I shared why I disagreed with him. Here was the essence of our discussion.
First, I explained that we, as human beings, are both logical and emotional creatures and it was not possible to deny either of these things. As such, from my perspective, emotions will always play a role in any situation where we care about something deeply. I referenced the wonderful book Beyond Reason by my colleagues Fisher and Shapiro to help decipher what I meant. They begin by defining emotions as "An experience to matters of personal significance; typically experienced in association with a distinct type of physical feeling, thought, physiology, and action tendency" (209). Then, very importantly, they make a distinction between negative emotions, which tend to create an obstacle to leadership challenges, rather than positive emotions that can act as an asset. They explain that emotions should not be suppressed or ignored. Instead, they advise individuals to address positive emotions in the form of the five Core Concerns – appreciation, building affiliation, respecting autonomy, acknowledging status, and choosing a fulfilling a role.
Second, I shared that I was preparing to step away – what is often called Going to the Balcony – when he told me not to get emotional. The Balcony is a place to metaphorically step back to when your emotions are beginning to overwhelm you. They key is to have your emotions as my colleague William Ury likes to say, so they don’t have you. A step back to the Balcony gives you enough space to process the feelings you are having and then bring them into the conversation in a constructive manner. My counterpart was intrigued by the idea and admitted he had never heard of the Balcony.
Third, I then asked about his overall view of emotions in the workplace and trying to push them aside. He shared that he had been in many difficult situations and saw the downside of emotions – how they often derailed a process. These experiences reinforced his views. I could certainly appreciate that perspective and told him so. But then I asked, “Are you not still feeling those emotions at that moment? If you don’t express them, what do you do with them?” He acknowledged that he was taught to suppress them. I asked how that had gone for him over the years. He told me not well – this perspective had made him fearful of emotions and to deny what he was feeling instead of processing those feelings and sharing them so others around him knew how he was feeling instead of having to guess what was going on.
Finally, I asked him about the notion of professionalism and what that meant. He shared that he was taught to always remain calm and hold back any feelings he was having. He was told that to express your emotions made you weak. He finished the last point by saying, “Honestly, I think it would be pretty liberating to be able to be myself in these situations. Maybe I will give it a try.” I smiled and then said, “Let’s get back to what we were discussing so I can find a way to manage this frustration and we can find a way forward.” He laughed…we got back to work.
